Hit Me With Your Best Shot.

When I started to write down my theology of sexuality through this blog, I wasn't smart enough to realize that was indeed what I was doing. And I had no comprehension of the amount of negative energy that would be sent in my direction. Guess what feelings it brought up -- feelings of shame. The very thing I am recovering from and that many cradle Christians want to recover from. I know your pain. And I realized 2 things:

1) it was time to stop equivocating and
2) I needed Divine backup.

I guess I was praying as I kept asking, "Where are the texts about the Christian sacred sexual tradition?"

Now I ask, "Why must Sex be demeaned to the level to which we allow it to be prostituted, abused, snuffed-out and defiled?" This is the mindset that allows shame to be used as a instrument of control, especially around our sexual experiences. By agreeing to operate (to judge, actually) from that level, we enculturate these same immoralities. I believe that it is not the sanctified act of sexual touch that is immoral. (A touch full of love is really a prayer of thanksgiving. Another blog. . .)

Immorality is engaging in this sense centered physical relating without a heart full of as much loving and giving as it can hold. That is immoral. Where ego and hate are employed in the use of sex for selfish reasons, then that becomes an immoral act.

That's where The Gospel of Mary Magdalene comes in. I prayed for sacred texts and kept receiving books from friends about Mary Magdalene and finding books about her gospel and it's place in early Christianity. The fragments of her gospel which still exist point us to the importance of authenticity in living our lives, the need for intimacy as one way to experience love and, above all, unity with the source of all Love. These are also the components of Divine Intimacy with a beloved partner as well.

The Magdalene's texts also reveal the amount of hatred toward women which was being perpetuated in the world even then. That very inequality of men and women is created from the ego. When there is any distraction by ego, then love is replaced with anger, hurt, shame and judgement. But it is only 100% Love that provides the tools humanity requires to build the "Community of Godness" on Earth.

I finally stopped equivocating.

Join me on this journey of discovery. Let's explore all the hurt that rides in on the coattails of sex. Then we will extract the hurt from our Love play, a place where those feelings do not belong. When we can fill that newly found place with self-love, then we will more fully love the other and discover the transcendence of the sacred sexual experience. AMEN

Acknowledging the Sacred in Prayer

A PRAYER BEFORE SEX

You are everything I dreamed of.
Thank you, God.
I love to look at you, as I love to be seen by you.
Thank you, God.
This gift we have is like nothing I have ever experienced before.
Bold and beautiful. Electricity and velvet.
For this we thank you, God.
When I hold you in my arms I breathe "Thank you, God." As you pull me close to you I feel that energy which courses through you and swallow the words, "Thank you, God."
And my heart sings.
Thank you, God.
Amen.

It was the day before St. Valentine's Day. We had yet to touch each other. My husband looked deep into my eyes and began to tell me how wonderful it is when we come together to share our bodies. I know this sharing is a gift that God has given us and after each positive, affirming statement, I began to say "thank you, God" or some variation of that response. It felt very powerful and I said "Amen" at the end (or now wish that I had said "Amen" or, at the very least, "so be it.") We proceeded to the other room where we began to surrender to our lovemaking. Then -- we had the most powerful sexual experience we had ever had.

I wonder if I can describe the differentness of it?

It was the lights and the fire, both externally and internally. It was that weightless, less than a moment place. The place that's gone almost before you perceive it. It is as if the two of us are connected in timeless space. Physical and yet not. Silent -- even as the noises of home continue around us. We found ourselves in a new experience, physically and internally. The energy that passed between us conjoined us in an ultra-ecstasy we had never experienced before. What is it, this electrical, buzzing sensation I have in my body? (Do you have it to?) What is it if not directly connected to God (at least in the way I understand God). Within it is a deep serenity.

Just listen. Within and beyond the physical, bodily experience. Timelessness. Something you feel on your skin and in your skin. Suspended and yet grounded.

A mystery...

Coming Out a Believer

Do everything to God's glory.

That's a tough order, especially if that something is altogether exclusive of or separate from your faith life. Do you even think about God outside of your God place? Or have you ever brought God into your sex space?

I guess I am better now than I ever used to be when I was younger at bringing God organically into my life. I don't have to focus as much energy at reframing my life to accommodate God within every facet of it.

The one area of my life in which I worked consciously and persistently to bring God into everything I do was in my sexual experiences with my husband. We would introduce -- no wait! -- we would invite the name of God into our presence by reminding ourselves that these wonderful, creative bodies are a gift from God. And now? Now there is never a sexual time for us that we don't speak of God. The word itself, when spoken, brings in the energy of divinity.

We often listen to love songs and at times we choose to replace the pronoun of the lover or the beloved with "God." Soon it is God's love that cradles and rocks us into the energy of prayer. That "greater love" hold's the space for our sexual connecting.

The result is amazing for its power to transform the body's experience of that single moment -- the pure sense of now. When truly in the now, that which the body can experience is transcendent.

What Makes Sex Sacred?

What makes anything in our lives sacred? Those of us who belong to a faith practice believe we know what the word means. Actually, the word itself has little or nothing to do with a system of faith or belief.

The english word sacred is derived from the Latin word "sacer" which is translated as "untouchable." The antonym or opposite is "casual." Being devoted exclusively to a single purpose is one definition of sacred. However, for my purpose in writing and teaching about sexuality I prefer the definition of sacred as "being highly valued, deserving of awe and reverence." That which is sacred has the power to transform one's life.

We must practice anything we are just learning to do if we want to do it well. To bring the sacred into our living, one must practice sacred awareness. Seeing the sacred in everything is just such a practice of consciousness. It takes time and space in one's life to become aware. Sacred awareness requires a quiet mind, an opportunity for remembrance and self-forgetfulness. Along with such an awareness, we might also consider that shifting our use of the word "sacred" from an adjective or descriptor to using the word as an adverb allows the word to become a description of doing or being. This brings the practice of sacred awareness into present time all of the time. It allows us to live in harmony in our mental, spiritual and physical lives.

Sacred sexuality means there is nothing profane, common or casual about any sexual encounter. Being with our sexual partner (the one who loves, respects and honors us) is worthy of dedication -- of time, focus, passion, emotion and mutual respect. This dedication must be unassailable and reverent in order to become sacred as well.

I suggest that we stop looking at our lives and the people and things in our lives as common and everyday. Choose to find the time to see the uncommon in everything. See and experience the act of making love with awe and reverence.

trustworthy love

Ever wonder when it is each of us begins to trust somebody?

You don't begin to trust because you are "loved enough" by someone. You begin to trust when you both fully respect each other.There is not enough love to make you trust when you are not also respected.

Love and Respect

The main ingredients for a sacred sexual encounter include love and respect. This probably sounds mundane but both of these expressions of any sacred relationship with one's sexual partner are underrated and misunderstood. Love and respect must precede a sacred sexual encounter.

We all believe we know what love is. We read about it in poetry. It is described in great detail in great novels. We observe it as we watch a movie. We hear it described in a love song, be it maudlin or cheerful. It is so much easier to read it or watch or hear it than it is to live it. We believe it to be that flush of desire we feel when we begin a new relationship with that perfect person. (We all know that it's really the hormones, but we simply choose to believe otherwise.)

So who is that perfect person? Does "the one" love you or respect you? You can have respect for someone without being in love with that other. You can never have love without respect. Anything else is a faux love. Respect is the necessary ingredient.

Respect must come first.

I thought long and hard about how I would define respect for another. Here goes. Respect is acknowledging the other. It is:
~ to honor
~ to listen
~ taking care of yourself, not them
~ to stop looking at your life and the people in it (especially your partner) casually
~ to value

There is no such thing as a little bit of respect. (That would be disrespectful!) You either have it or you don't.

For years I "forgot" to look for or, better yet, expect to be given respect from my partners. I started to believe I had to earn it since I didn't receive it. In allowing myself to be disrespected, I sabotaged any chance I had of being loved. I didn't demand respect from my partner and therefore I believed I was unloveable. I do not mean from the point of view that "there is nothing about me to love." What I realized is that I had a belief that I was unable to BE loved.

When you can't be loved you can't know love.
When you respect yourself, then respect flows easily from another person, but only when that someone knows how to respect.

True love is the total acceptance of ourself and our beloved. It is a knowing that we are believed and believed in, just as we are expected to believe equally in our partner. To love is to strive to be the person who can be believed by the other.

What's shame got to do with it?

"The man and his wife were both naked and felt no shame."
Genesis 2.25.

What's shame got to do with it?

Do you remember the song recorded by Tina Turner -- "What's Love Got To Do With It"? While I believe love has everything to do with it, there are many who aren't able to enjoy love with sex because shame gets in the way. I once knew someone who gave up having sex with her partner because (as it was explained to me) she had too much love and respect for her. Sounds like shame to me although I didn't figure it out at the time.

Oh, what's shame got to do with it, got to do with it?
What's shame, but a second hand emotion?

We are not born with any semblance of shame. It is a learned emotion -- "second hand." When do we learn about shame? Is it the first time our mother covers our body to hide our nakedness? Is it when the little girl no longer is allowed to play without a shirt on? Or is it not until we begin to notice that our parents don't want to answer our first innocent questions about babies and where they come from? Is it learned from some religious authority figure who is so uncomfortable with their own sexual urges that they convince themselves that it must be a bad thing? When does this shame about our body and our sexual self start? And what's it about?

When, oh when did females get to be the problem? I wish the generalizations about the "provocative woman seducing the innocent man" were never again used as an excuse for extra-marital affairs or for rape. We don't even get to experience our first chance flush of desire without learning that a girl with sexual yearnings is a "bad" girl. I venture to say that most women are never given the chance to experience their first sexual encounter without feeling shame. I imagine that there are some men who also feel the same way.

Shame changes everything about sex. Shame makes us afraid and keeps us on our guard. How can I ever become truly and completely intimate with my partner if I am guardedly fearful. I can't. I would never be able to be truly authentic. That's true intimacy. I also believe it is shame that leads us to judge others who are sexually different than ourselves. The fear of judgement creates an atmosphere of secrets and we don't feel safe sharing our deepest desires with the one we love.

Ultimately, shame keeps us from being truly intimate both physically and emotionally with our life partner. We focus on hiding instead of revealing, not just our physical selves but our incarnated spirit selves as well. It is then impossible to embrace our wholeness as body and spirit. Our story of Adam and Eve reveals that when we hide from each other in this way, we hide from our own most sacred self.