Soulful Sex

I am excited when I meet with couples who understand that there is more to sexual loving than their catalogue of techniques or their physiological response. My heart sings when someone (or two) is searching for the deeper connection with another that defies scientific explanation. It is not about the adrenaline which pours into one's system with a caress or is driven by one's sexual fantasies.

No matter which school of thought to which one belongs, there really is more to sex than making babies or achieving orgasm. If either of these becomes the central goal of lovemaking, it is no longer about the connection with one's beloved. Sexual sharing threatens to become nothing more than need or greed when one forgets to be open to give and receive without reservation.

The classic text of Jewish mysticism, The Zohar, suggests that there are 3 points of unity that occur when two are engaged in soulful sex. When sharing a kiss, there is an exchange of life breath. Our life breath is a gift from the Creator. It comes when we are born into the physical world and stops when our flesh has died. As automatic as the beat of one's heart, it continues throughout the throes of passion. Physical touch is the second component. As two bodies are intertwined they become as one flesh. Skin against skin provides both soft resistance and even softer yielding. One becomes unsure of where their body ends and the other begins. Last (or maybe I should say "first") the opportunity to gaze into each others eyes with true openness is the window which opens us to be one in spirit with our beloved. (My thanks to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach for his insights in his book, Kosher Sex.)

It takes awareness and practice to achieve this deep unity. In so doing, the human body has the ability to achieve an ecstasy beyond that which you can imagine. What we imagine is limited by our ability to imagine or by what someone has taught us is possible or morally acceptable.

I personally desire that deepness with my partner. When we are both in that kind of awareness, it creates a Holy intimacy between us that is breathtaking. Do we get to soulful sex every time we make love? Not yet. We both must bring our authentic selves to the bedroom. And that takes practice and a desire to give and receive fully and with love.

Revelationary Love

I really want to talk to you about your love life. Not just love in the bedroom, but Love that transforms your life.

Love in the bedroom forever changed after Peter committed to marriage with me. (That word "committed" is important.) After the commitment was sanctified with a rite of marriage and dedication of our commitment to God, there was a significant change in our sexual sharing. We both noticed a deeper, more spirit-filled experience when we shared the touch of our sexual expression.

In other words, the best sexual experiences I've ever had have been with the person who was honored to make that commitment with me!

Then and only then did I believe that I was absolutely loved and totally adored and valued beyond measure. Confidently knowing these things slowly laid the groundwork I needed to be willing to open myself shamelessly to Peter and to that Love. That Love is God in the bedroom with you.

We are not talking technique here. We are talking about our ability to give of ourselves abundantly. That Love is the radical Love that Jesus teaches. If we hold onto even the smallest piece of grudge or judgement, Love cannot fill us entirely so that we may give the gift of love abundantly. What are we holding back for? What are we holding back from? Holding back is not the love that Jesus taught. "I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another." (John 13.34 NRSV) Jesus loved us fully and expansively and commanded us to do the same.

Let me show you that God is in your bedroom. You may intimately touch your equal partner and thereby glorify God. We are not asked to give ourselves away. We are required to give our love away. Your Self remains whole and complete as two spirits touch.

Authenticity. Intimacy. Unity.

Make Unity Holy.

Born Again In Love

Blameless in God's sight. Shameless in God's image. That is how every baby is born. That is the sole software with which this little biocomputer is born. These little biocomputers were designed to give and receive 100% love. There must be something extremely difficult about choosing to be born in the flesh for God's delight. For what other reason would any of us ever choose fear or shame?

Some of us were taught about the "sanctity" of human life. Does sanctification signify a separation?  How many couples do you suppose ever treat sexual touching as sacred rather than carnal? How many men and women actually treat their partner as a beloved gift? How many people remember how to give and receive love?

I want to remember. I want to be reborn. I want to share loving while conscious of God's divine plan for humanity. I want to always choose prayer and play before pornography. I invite God into my erotic thoughts and pictures. I might as well since She is there whether I bid her or not.

Always in God's hands. That's how I choose to experience sensual touch.

Touching Our Aliveness

Aliveness. Animating energy. Divine vibration.

No matter what you call it, maybe we can all agree that it is an electrical energy that courses through our flesh. There is measurable electrical energy in the body: brain waves, neural stimulation of muscles.

Or maybe not... Maybe we can only agree that it is the Breath - the Holy breath which animates the flesh. (Genesis 2 v.7) How do you identify it if you have never noticed it?

Let me attempt to describe what it feels like - to me anyway. Liken it to creating static electricity as you drag your feet on the carpet and then touch something. It creates a tingly shock. Now try to feel millions of these microscopic bursts inside your skin, everywhere, all of the time. Go quiet. Be still.

And be aware of it alone.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot.

When I started to write down my theology of sexuality through this blog, I wasn't smart enough to realize that was indeed what I was doing. And I had no comprehension of the amount of negative energy that would be sent in my direction. Guess what feelings it brought up -- feelings of shame. The very thing I am recovering from and that many cradle Christians want to recover from. I know your pain. And I realized 2 things:

1) it was time to stop equivocating and
2) I needed Divine backup.

I guess I was praying as I kept asking, "Where are the texts about the Christian sacred sexual tradition?"

Now I ask, "Why must Sex be demeaned to the level to which we allow it to be prostituted, abused, snuffed-out and defiled?" This is the mindset that allows shame to be used as a instrument of control, especially around our sexual experiences. By agreeing to operate (to judge, actually) from that level, we enculturate these same immoralities. I believe that it is not the sanctified act of sexual touch that is immoral. (A touch full of love is really a prayer of thanksgiving. Another blog. . .)

Immorality is engaging in this sense centered physical relating without a heart full of as much loving and giving as it can hold. That is immoral. Where ego and hate are employed in the use of sex for selfish reasons, then that becomes an immoral act.

That's where The Gospel of Mary Magdalene comes in. I prayed for sacred texts and kept receiving books from friends about Mary Magdalene and finding books about her gospel and it's place in early Christianity. The fragments of her gospel which still exist point us to the importance of authenticity in living our lives, the need for intimacy as one way to experience love and, above all, unity with the source of all Love. These are also the components of Divine Intimacy with a beloved partner as well.

The Magdalene's texts also reveal the amount of hatred toward women which was being perpetuated in the world even then. That very inequality of men and women is created from the ego. When there is any distraction by ego, then love is replaced with anger, hurt, shame and judgement. But it is only 100% Love that provides the tools humanity requires to build the "Community of Godness" on Earth.

I finally stopped equivocating.

Join me on this journey of discovery. Let's explore all the hurt that rides in on the coattails of sex. Then we will extract the hurt from our Love play, a place where those feelings do not belong. When we can fill that newly found place with self-love, then we will more fully love the other and discover the transcendence of the sacred sexual experience. AMEN

Acknowledging the Sacred in Prayer

A PRAYER BEFORE SEX

You are everything I dreamed of.
Thank you, God.
I love to look at you, as I love to be seen by you.
Thank you, God.
This gift we have is like nothing I have ever experienced before.
Bold and beautiful. Electricity and velvet.
For this we thank you, God.
When I hold you in my arms I breathe "Thank you, God." As you pull me close to you I feel that energy which courses through you and swallow the words, "Thank you, God."
And my heart sings.
Thank you, God.
Amen.

It was the day before St. Valentine's Day. We had yet to touch each other. My husband looked deep into my eyes and began to tell me how wonderful it is when we come together to share our bodies. I know this sharing is a gift that God has given us and after each positive, affirming statement, I began to say "thank you, God" or some variation of that response. It felt very powerful and I said "Amen" at the end (or now wish that I had said "Amen" or, at the very least, "so be it.") We proceeded to the other room where we began to surrender to our lovemaking. Then -- we had the most powerful sexual experience we had ever had.

I wonder if I can describe the differentness of it?

It was the lights and the fire, both externally and internally. It was that weightless, less than a moment place. The place that's gone almost before you perceive it. It is as if the two of us are connected in timeless space. Physical and yet not. Silent -- even as the noises of home continue around us. We found ourselves in a new experience, physically and internally. The energy that passed between us conjoined us in an ultra-ecstasy we had never experienced before. What is it, this electrical, buzzing sensation I have in my body? (Do you have it to?) What is it if not directly connected to God (at least in the way I understand God). Within it is a deep serenity.

Just listen. Within and beyond the physical, bodily experience. Timelessness. Something you feel on your skin and in your skin. Suspended and yet grounded.

A mystery...

Coming Out a Believer

Do everything to God's glory.

That's a tough order, especially if that something is altogether exclusive of or separate from your faith life. Do you even think about God outside of your God place? Or have you ever brought God into your sex space?

I guess I am better now than I ever used to be when I was younger at bringing God organically into my life. I don't have to focus as much energy at reframing my life to accommodate God within every facet of it.

The one area of my life in which I worked consciously and persistently to bring God into everything I do was in my sexual experiences with my husband. We would introduce -- no wait! -- we would invite the name of God into our presence by reminding ourselves that these wonderful, creative bodies are a gift from God. And now? Now there is never a sexual time for us that we don't speak of God. The word itself, when spoken, brings in the energy of divinity.

We often listen to love songs and at times we choose to replace the pronoun of the lover or the beloved with "God." Soon it is God's love that cradles and rocks us into the energy of prayer. That "greater love" hold's the space for our sexual connecting.

The result is amazing for its power to transform the body's experience of that single moment -- the pure sense of now. When truly in the now, that which the body can experience is transcendent.

What Makes Sex Sacred?

What makes anything in our lives sacred? Those of us who belong to a faith practice believe we know what the word means. Actually, the word itself has little or nothing to do with a system of faith or belief.

The english word sacred is derived from the Latin word "sacer" which is translated as "untouchable." The antonym or opposite is "casual." Being devoted exclusively to a single purpose is one definition of sacred. However, for my purpose in writing and teaching about sexuality I prefer the definition of sacred as "being highly valued, deserving of awe and reverence." That which is sacred has the power to transform one's life.

We must practice anything we are just learning to do if we want to do it well. To bring the sacred into our living, one must practice sacred awareness. Seeing the sacred in everything is just such a practice of consciousness. It takes time and space in one's life to become aware. Sacred awareness requires a quiet mind, an opportunity for remembrance and self-forgetfulness. Along with such an awareness, we might also consider that shifting our use of the word "sacred" from an adjective or descriptor to using the word as an adverb allows the word to become a description of doing or being. This brings the practice of sacred awareness into present time all of the time. It allows us to live in harmony in our mental, spiritual and physical lives.

Sacred sexuality means there is nothing profane, common or casual about any sexual encounter. Being with our sexual partner (the one who loves, respects and honors us) is worthy of dedication -- of time, focus, passion, emotion and mutual respect. This dedication must be unassailable and reverent in order to become sacred as well.

I suggest that we stop looking at our lives and the people and things in our lives as common and everyday. Choose to find the time to see the uncommon in everything. See and experience the act of making love with awe and reverence.

trustworthy love

Ever wonder when it is each of us begins to trust somebody?

You don't begin to trust because you are "loved enough" by someone. You begin to trust when you both fully respect each other.There is not enough love to make you trust when you are not also respected.

Love and Respect

The main ingredients for a sacred sexual encounter include love and respect. This probably sounds mundane but both of these expressions of any sacred relationship with one's sexual partner are underrated and misunderstood. Love and respect must precede a sacred sexual encounter.

We all believe we know what love is. We read about it in poetry. It is described in great detail in great novels. We observe it as we watch a movie. We hear it described in a love song, be it maudlin or cheerful. It is so much easier to read it or watch or hear it than it is to live it. We believe it to be that flush of desire we feel when we begin a new relationship with that perfect person. (We all know that it's really the hormones, but we simply choose to believe otherwise.)

So who is that perfect person? Does "the one" love you or respect you? You can have respect for someone without being in love with that other. You can never have love without respect. Anything else is a faux love. Respect is the necessary ingredient.

Respect must come first.

I thought long and hard about how I would define respect for another. Here goes. Respect is acknowledging the other. It is:
~ to honor
~ to listen
~ taking care of yourself, not them
~ to stop looking at your life and the people in it (especially your partner) casually
~ to value

There is no such thing as a little bit of respect. (That would be disrespectful!) You either have it or you don't.

For years I "forgot" to look for or, better yet, expect to be given respect from my partners. I started to believe I had to earn it since I didn't receive it. In allowing myself to be disrespected, I sabotaged any chance I had of being loved. I didn't demand respect from my partner and therefore I believed I was unloveable. I do not mean from the point of view that "there is nothing about me to love." What I realized is that I had a belief that I was unable to BE loved.

When you can't be loved you can't know love.
When you respect yourself, then respect flows easily from another person, but only when that someone knows how to respect.

True love is the total acceptance of ourself and our beloved. It is a knowing that we are believed and believed in, just as we are expected to believe equally in our partner. To love is to strive to be the person who can be believed by the other.

What's shame got to do with it?

"The man and his wife were both naked and felt no shame."
Genesis 2.25.

What's shame got to do with it?

Do you remember the song recorded by Tina Turner -- "What's Love Got To Do With It"? While I believe love has everything to do with it, there are many who aren't able to enjoy love with sex because shame gets in the way. I once knew someone who gave up having sex with her partner because (as it was explained to me) she had too much love and respect for her. Sounds like shame to me although I didn't figure it out at the time.

Oh, what's shame got to do with it, got to do with it?
What's shame, but a second hand emotion?

We are not born with any semblance of shame. It is a learned emotion -- "second hand." When do we learn about shame? Is it the first time our mother covers our body to hide our nakedness? Is it when the little girl no longer is allowed to play without a shirt on? Or is it not until we begin to notice that our parents don't want to answer our first innocent questions about babies and where they come from? Is it learned from some religious authority figure who is so uncomfortable with their own sexual urges that they convince themselves that it must be a bad thing? When does this shame about our body and our sexual self start? And what's it about?

When, oh when did females get to be the problem? I wish the generalizations about the "provocative woman seducing the innocent man" were never again used as an excuse for extra-marital affairs or for rape. We don't even get to experience our first chance flush of desire without learning that a girl with sexual yearnings is a "bad" girl. I venture to say that most women are never given the chance to experience their first sexual encounter without feeling shame. I imagine that there are some men who also feel the same way.

Shame changes everything about sex. Shame makes us afraid and keeps us on our guard. How can I ever become truly and completely intimate with my partner if I am guardedly fearful. I can't. I would never be able to be truly authentic. That's true intimacy. I also believe it is shame that leads us to judge others who are sexually different than ourselves. The fear of judgement creates an atmosphere of secrets and we don't feel safe sharing our deepest desires with the one we love.

Ultimately, shame keeps us from being truly intimate both physically and emotionally with our life partner. We focus on hiding instead of revealing, not just our physical selves but our incarnated spirit selves as well. It is then impossible to embrace our wholeness as body and spirit. Our story of Adam and Eve reveals that when we hide from each other in this way, we hide from our own most sacred self.

Who are we really?

My husband and I have discovered something truly incredible that we share every time we make love. It is an ecstasy that defies description. Just as trying to define or describe God limits the infinite that God is, any attempt to describe this oneness that we experience only limits the truth of our lovemaking.

In the Jewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah the name which indicates that which is God is Ein Sof, which may be translated as "Infinity" (for it engenders everything) or as "Nothingness," which implies that any definition that is employed in an attempt to delineate God is inadequate because God is beyond definition. All we can describe are the aspects of God/Ein Sof. Likewise, any attempt to put our lovemaking experience into words can only be a description of the aspects of the experience.

There is something that animates our human flesh. It is present while we are alive and absent after we die. As a nurse and a hospice chaplain I have been with many people as they took their last breath. When I was a young RN in ICU I never really noticed the difference in the flesh after a patient died. They were either breathing or not. Even all of those years in the ER did nothing to make me really notice anything but the after effects of resuscitation. There was always a family to talk to or another patient to attend.

It wasn't till I attended my first hospice death that I saw and felt what was so different. After death there is nothing which enervates every little nerve in our body and the flesh is like stone. Quietly witnessing a death without all the activity to save a life changed my whole perspective on the living essence which resides in our body. I held the hand of a young man with AIDs who desperately wanted to live. As he took his last shallow breath, I felt a vibration in my hand that that was holding his. Soon this vibration traveled up my arm, across my shoulder, and through the top of my head. Then it was gone. What could this be but this living energy making its way back to its source?


Most of us spend our entire lives unaware of that energy which is our life force. It makes everything about our physical body work. This is our human infinity as we know not where or whether it begins or ends. We take it for granted because it functions without any assistance from us. It is automatic and life giving. Any definition employed to describe it is inadequate -- a virtual nothingness. It is our own embodied "Ein Sof."

It is my belief that it is this numinous quality that we access when we experience sacred lovemaking.

Let us pray

Sexual intimacy as prayer is a prayer for wholeness.

It matters not if you choose to make love with or without God. Just as it matters not whether you believe in a higher power, divine or otherwise. You will have sex. You may even have great sex. However, since I do believe in a transcendent co-creator who is present and active in my life, sex for me has never been as good as it is now. And it just keeps getting better.

Never before in my life have I thought about God or, for that matter, sex as often as I do now. Just ask my husband and my best friend. I recently realized that I never make love without sensing the ever-presence of this mystery of God. Call this mystery what you want, the energy is charged and one's perceptions shift.

This not about religion. Many religions fashion what they choose to acknowledge as revelation into a rule book. Break the rules and one is shamed into submission. Shame and sex don't mix well and the combination precludes the grace of sex as prayer. I choose Divine sex to guilt and sex.

Musings of a Sexual Mystic

There is a sacred element to making love. Certain components must be in place in order to experience this; at least that is true for me. A predilection for this image is probably requisite for such an encounter. A desire to experience a sacred moment during such a fleshy practice seems to be necessary. Obviously, both partners must understand that God is present in every moment of our embodied experience here on earth. As Jung believed -- bidden or unbidden , God is present. It helps to concede that prayer is more than closing your eyes and putting your hands together, asking God for your latest desire.

When I make love, I am waiting for God during most of the moments of passion that I share. (Most, not all -- I'm as human as the next gal.) I see myself as naked before God, not just my partner, and open to that divine and ultimate experience of pure ecstasy. I am humbled by my vincibility as I succumb to that transcendent source of life. And I am not afraid of the total exposure of myself to my partner and my God. Maybe the theology of God being present when two or more are gathered applies here.

Why didn't I learn this when I first learned about the sexual act? Why wasn't I taught about the goodness of sex more than the badness of sex? I don't blame my parents. I remember them as being very straight forward. Somehow the church's puritan conceit about sex informed my earliest understanding.

I remember the very first time I had intercourse with my then steady boyfriend. Despite the seedy surroundings (the sheets were clean) I was consumed by the beauty of the instant of penetration. We held that moment and were both still. Maybe there were no heavenly choirs, but my heart sang with that intimate expression of love. I was blessed that "the first time" was so beautiful and grace filled. I'm not sure that I fully grasped that until many years later. It was a lot to take in for a young woman experiencing all of those sensations for the first time.

What a difficult moment to replicate.

Immediately after, as we lay there holding each other, a sense of astonishment and fear overcame me. All of those bad girl images flooded my brain and I immediately tried to dissemble what I had just experienced. The beauty of the moment became a shadow to my need to reframe what happened. How could I have been a good girl in one instant, a bad girl the next? I can look back and see the absurdity of allowing the presumed judgement of others to propel my sacred self to deconstruct that timeless moment.

It has taken almost a lifetime to recover.